Really 2011? Already

So it’s January 3rd.  I’ve just found out that I lost one of my friends from rehab to this disease we call Alcoholism while simultaneously having to disconnect myself from a person who was bad for my sobriety no matter how much I loved him.  I feel like I’ve been kicked in the tits.  And yet, I’m still sober today.  I’m not gonna lie, It’s fucking hard as balls.  But I have a support network and a sponsor that loves me and I can do this.

This is not at all how I wanted my new year to start.  For Christmas, my insanely generous family got me a gift certificate to get a new bike so I could get some exercise and have a form of transportation around this dirty little town.  They also gave me a new computer and endless love.  Today I’ll be using the computer and love since it’s pissing down rain here as if God’s trying to tell me to build an ark.  There are so many thoughts running through my head right now but the one the one word that keeps running through my brain is grateful.  Grateful I have the strength to get through this.  Grateful I wasn’t the one that died because it was very close a while back.  Grateful I have people I can call who get it.  All of it.

And let me just say this.  The worst part about rehab is that you build these friendships with people so quickly because you are all bonding over the same experience.  You watch people go through the program and do the work and think, that person’s got it, they’re going to stay sober.  And sometimes you think, not a snowball’s chance in hell that person is going to make it.  Well, my friend was the latter.  After I left the rehab and went to sober living, he came back through detox again.  Sadly, some people just never get it.  I kept hearing stories about him “going out” but the bottom line is this guy didn’t want it.

When I came out to Hemet in July, I didn’t just want sobriety.  I wanted a whole new life.  My first time around, I never did what was suggested, skipped through my steps and wasn’t honest about my faults.  I spent 22 years like that.  Nothing changed.  I thought I was okay because I wasn’t drinking.  I exhibited the same shitty behavior, got myself into situations that forced people around me to have to rescue me and basically sent me right back to the beginning.  Looking back I realize that I nearly became the friend I just lost.

And the sad thing is that some of the people I thought totally got it, went out and drank or used again.  So where does that leave me?  I don’t want to drink or take pills anymore but walking past the liquor aisle in a grocery store sends me into a near panic.  It’s like seeing an ex boyfriend with his new girlfriend and you look like shit.  Last night, I actually muttered “fuck you!” under my breath and a passing customer thought I was referring to them.  Having to explain to a complete stranger in the grocery store why I’m swearing at the booze aisle is a humbling experience that I don’t recommend.  And 5 minutes later, I ran into one of my brethren.  Seriously.  That was God working in my life when I needed an anchor.  And this person was going through some tougher shit than me.  And still sober through it.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that there is nothing in my life today that is so bad I have to blow my sobriety over it. I am loved and I am eternally grateful for it.  And to all my friends who have inspired me to get back to this writing business…YOU ROCK!  I’m so happy I made it back. Taking the trash out and looking forward to a new life!